I slipped off my shoes, and got comfortable on the couch.  I had a few moments to spare so I fluffed some pillows, pulled out my book and started to read.  As the minutes ticked by, I relished the sunshine and the low buzz of church happening all around me.

There was music in the background, a mumble of voices all around.  Older folks smiled and hugged one another as they said hello.  Kids rushed to classrooms.  Middle school students stood awkwardly waiting for parents to get coffee.  I smiled at a few of the people I recognized.  Some came and said “hello.”

I saw a woman who had been given a cancer diagnosis, and a couple who had recently gotten engaged. I saw a family that had lost a child and another carrying a one month old baby.  I saw joy and grief, life and death.

Best of all I saw community.

In a moment a wave of gratitude washed over me.  THIS is church.  I knew it in my core.

There are many more days when I’m so proud of our church leaders that I could burst.  It’s a church that holds tight to the teachings of Jesus.  We value our community and the people in it.  And we want others to see the real Jesus, the one who sacrificed everything for them.

At this church I’ve been reprimanded by cranky people and encouraged by cheerful ones.  I’ve experienced moments of heartbreak and others of pure joy.  I’ve laughed so hard I cried.  I’ve also just plain cried.  For better or for worse, this is what I’ve got and I’m grateful.

But as I reflect on this gift, I also recognize my instinct to hold this community at a distance.  My go-to mechanism is self preservation and I see so much risk involved in opening up.  I’m afraid to let others close.  Afraid that if I let them in, they have the ability to hurt me.

When Jesus began his ministry, he invited people along.  He began by inviting a few fishermen to become fishers of men.

As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. ¹⁹ “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” ²⁰ At once they left their nets and followed him.

²¹ Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, ²² and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him. 

Whenever I read this story in Mathew 4 or in Mark 1, there are TWO things that amaze me.  The first is that the men immediately stop what they’re doing and follow Jesus.  I assure you, I probably would have asked a few more detailed questions before dropping everything.  But not the disciples.  Pretty amazing.

Something else that I wonder but that isn’t super relevant to this particular topic…do you think that Jesus invited more than the ones that are listed but the others DIDN’T accept and so they didn’t make the story?  That’s both a TERRIBLE thing to consider and ALSO…really reflective of real life.   These are just the things that run through my brain when I read the Bible.   

I’m also amazed at the men Jesus picked to be his people.  I’ve read a bunch of this story before so I know some of what happens.  SPOILER ALERT: The men let Jesus down.

One of the first people Jesus invites along is Peter.  The same Peter who is a bit of a hot head, cuts a guy’s ear off and then denies Jesus three times right before Jesus is crucified.   He has other amazing qualities.  I mean he did start the church…but he wasn’t exactly “friend of the year.”

I always wonder how much Jesus knew about his friends.  I’m sure he knew the character of Peter…but, at the beginning of his ministry, did he know that Peter would deny him three times?   When he invited Judas in, did he recognize that Judas would be the one to betray him?

Jesus, the very son of God, had friends who betrayed him and hurt him.  He had the capacity to avoid it and he didn’t.

It’s convicting when I think about it.  It’s incredibly easy stay in my seat on the couch as church continues to happen all around me.  My feelings don’t get hurt.  I don’t risk anything by showing up, caring for those who are hurting…but never really letting people in. It’s unlikely that I’ll get my heart broken if I stay seated.

OR I can take a page from Jesus book and invite people into my story…knowing that it won’t always be a happily ever after; knowing that the people that I let in have the capacity to hurt me.

The prospect is terrifying.

I’d love to end this with a tidy bow; tell you the three step process to how I overcame my fear…but honestly, I’m a work in progress.  It’s a daily debate for me to open up with people I don’t know that I can trust.

I have to end with an incomplete ending because I don’t believe the story is over.