It was still and hot as we packed up.  It took four of us to lift and push our camping box into the back of the Pilot.  My daughter and I counted together as we hoisted the car top carrier onto the roof. Sweat dripped down my back as I stuffed one more sleeping bag into the carrier .  I was excited about the potential for cooler air.  In fact we were all excited for the weekend ahead: time away, together and outside.  Sunshine, stillness, s’mores and our regular camping treats highly anticipated. The kids and I were leaving on a Thursday and my husband would join us the following afternoon.

The drive was perfect, winding along a creek for miles on end. The kids and I arrived at the campsite while it was still daylight, which gave me plenty of time to start a fire.  Which is GREAT because it actually took me over an hour (in my defense damp firewood didn’t help.) What now know is that it was a perfect precursor for an IMperfect weekend.

Missing tent stakes, shivering dogs AND people, and so.much.rain. meant that our planned long weekend away turned into a two night trip. We finally called it when the hubby opened the tent door to see that all of our shoes had been drenched and so had his entire bag of clothes.  We swiftly packed up as the rain poured down, stuffing the tent into the back of the car.  As we drove away from the site, the smell of wet dog permeated the backseat.  Which about summed up the weekend.

Later that night as I sat on our covered porch I couldn’t help but think that our camping trip reflected the current state of my life.

This last year, one that I anticipated would be sweet and fulfilling has felt more challenging and difficult than I ever imagined.  What I’d envisioned in my future was not reality at all. My confidence has been tested.  I have felt less like myself.  All of the good that I had dreamed has turned into muddy water with an uncertain future.

My life today is NOTHING like I thought it would be a year ago.  I’ve had more bumps, more bruises and more rainstorms than I’d like.  I have never felt less like myself or more confused about my reactions that I have this past year.  I second guess myself more, my confidence has been tested.  So I question if this is what Jesus designed for my life.

But like my camping trip, I have a choice.  I can think of only the expectations that I’ve lost OR I can relish the pieces of good.  On our camping trip I can remember the multitude of stars on our first night and the laughter around the fire; the moments of laughter in the tent and a shared goal of keeping the dog warm; quiet conversations in the car; the adventure of tracking down a moose to capture the perfect photo (little did we know he’d find us the next morning and be camera ready.)

There ARE pieces of good in my work that I can see when I stop and allow myself to be still.   I rely more on God’s voice than I have in a very long while.  God has used challenges to help me shed some unhealthy habits.  I practice sabbath more because I so desperately need it.  God has also given me some amazing chances to connect with new people, to share what God has done in my life and reflect the things I see that He’s doing in theirs.

God keeps asking me to trust him in the midst of the hard.  I can choose to focus only on the things that were unexpected or that make me uncomfortable or I can let go of my expectations and trust him. I can listen for his voice and lean in to what he’s doing.

Clearly I’m having trouble letting go of my expectation of happily-ever-after.  God is asking me to live out the things I’ve already said about him.  I hate it when he does this.  I know that he is good and that I can trust him…but some days that’s harder to remember.  Obviously I’m a work still in progress.

Tonight I see the clouds.  Not only the darkness of the clouds but see the beauty in their formation.  Perhaps I’ve seen this before…the shades of grey, the shapes, the contrast between the clouds and the fading orange sky.  But tonight I noticed and appreciated it.

Maybe life is less about the big lessons and the “aha” moments and more about daily practicing the things we say we know.

I’m in a season of things that feel hard.  Can I daily practice actively looking to God in the midst of the struggle?  Can I choose to look at my struggles through his lens?  Can I trust him?

Stay tuned.