What do you do when you realize that you are broken and you can’t fix yourself?  What do you do when life feels frenetic and the world doesn’t make sense? When prayer and exercise, acupuncture and vitamins don’t work…

Find a counselor, that’s what.

For my whole life I’ve avoided counseling.  Don’t ask me why.  Something about shame and believing I was REALLY broken if I needed someone else to help me figure things out; that only truly crazy people sought help.

As there is a history of mental illness on my paternal side, I may also have been afraid of what might come of seeing a professional.  If someone else got a look inside my thoughts they might see that I was actually crazy and lock me up for good.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on what part you focus on) I finally reached a point in my life where I had no choice but to seek counseling.  And I discovered that I’d been really wrong about the shame and the getting locked up part.  Or at least my counselor hasn’t suggested that I be locked up YET.

Now there is a LARGE part of me that would like it noted that what sent me to counseling was not entirely my fault.  This is the part of me that embodies my overdeveloped sense of justice.  But I’m not going to tell you the whole story.  I only want to note that a big part of what happened in the last twelve months was that I believed that if I could just be better, that I could succeed.  And that just isn’t true.  There was so much more happening that I didn’t control. 

Back to that counseling bit…I asked for referrals, made a bunch of phone calls, answered a handful of questions… all which led me to a small office in Boulder on a very hot Thursday afternoon for my very first counseling session.

To start, I appreciated that my new counselor immediately told me where she would sit.  It was clear that my space would be on the couch. Which side of the couch to choose felt like an important decision, one that she was allowing me to make.  If I sat too far away from her was I communicating that I was closed off?  I suppose I could have picked the chair right next to her, but that felt strange; over-familiar.

So I picked a spot directly across from her.  I gently placed my phone and my keys on the couch spot to my left.  I folded my hands in my lap and gazed at this new person in my life.

She began by asking me what was going on; what had brought me to see her.  Instinctively I knew the story began in August of 2018.  Starting a new job coincided with the onset of my unraveling.

I detailed all of the events of the last twelve months.  My friend’s diagnosis, it’s relationship to another friend’s death three years prior, as well as my new job.  We spoke of faith, family history and the ways in which beliefs and behaviors are formed early in life.  I laughed at myself and the irony that my siblings and I all work in church settings.  That has got to be a therapists delight.

She asked insightful questions.  She tried to keep everyone’s names straight as she reflected back to me what she was hearing.  She showed compassion when I spoke of the things that were painful, surprise at events that were slightly shocking and at the end of it all she asked me to do a few things in the days ahead.

She taught me about self compassion.  Truth is, she taught me about self compassion right around the very same time that I recognized that sharing my weaknesses brought me closer to some of the coolest people.  Instead of creating distance, my humanity brought me nearer to those around me.  As I shed layers of the mask that I have it all together, people near me were able to connect in ways we hadn’t connected before.

My counselor has helped examine the things that need to be examined in a safe space.  She’s given me permission to feel hurt and sad and shocked.  I’ve learned to see my bad habits as coping mechanisms while uncovering what causes me to need them in the first place.

But my counselor is not a miracle worker.  She’s just a person. I’m still broken and will be for the rest of my life.   But I’m also experiencing more moments of feeling seen, heard and loved in the midst of it.  Both by God and by really great people around me.

I’m grateful.

And if you’re one of those people who has put off counseling, maybe this is the encouragement you need to make an appointment.  Because it’s okay to ask for help unravelling things that don’t make sense, or to ask for a different perspective on bad coping habits that have plagued you for years.

Don’t do it to fit in, and don’t do it for someone else.  Do it because the world needs the best version of you.