Slowing to a stop at the light, I attempted to register the words that my daughter was saying.  She was sharing about her day.  Something about lunch and who sat where.  Honestly, it’s not that I didn’t care about what is going on, it’s that an avalanche of thoughts and feelings had been taking over my brain.  Questions about God, his kindness and his justness.  Questions about church, both big C church and little c church.  In that moment I realized that it was time to take a good look at all of it instead of pushing everything to the back burner.  It was in this moment that I embraced my wilderness.

What’s is the wilderness?  It’s a season in life marked by feeling un-tethered.  What once felt like solid ground, feels more like sinking sand.  Beliefs, traditions that once meant so much lose their luster.  Perhaps you’ve experienced this.  Faith feels uninspired, or you doubt things you once thought truth.  Attending church feels like going through the motions.  You’ve given up prayer because you’re not sure that it works. Well my friend, you may have entered a new season in your faith journey.

The wilderness is also known as The Wall or the Dark Night of the Soul. I’ve even heard of Trough of Sorrow.  That last one is my personal favorite.   Whatever you want to call it, this season can feel discouraging. What once felt like solid ground has given way.  The very things that brought you comfort, now causes anxiety.  I don’t blame you for being anxious.  This season is no joke.  

My journey to the wilderness began years ago with grief.  About the same time that our family left a church, a friend suddenly died.  In the next twelve months two more friends would be taken.  Women that I loved and who had been mentors. A year or two later, grief was followed up by disillusionment.  I encountered church leaders who looked more like bouncers and less like love.  The final leg of my journey was caused by unmet expectations. Expectations of what the church should look like.  I wanted one thing but  experienced something else.   And so my attachment to Church began to unravel.

What I’m learning is that there are so many of us here.  Folks who are discontent with glossing over Bible stories, or tired of church cultures that create cliques instead of banquet tables.  Some of us were driven here by grief.  Others wandered in slowly. Some were tossed here by churches that hold tightly to the words contained in the Bible but who forgot to live out Jesus’ teaching to love God and others above all else.  Everyone here has a story.

Are you a fellow sojourner in this wilderness?  First, welcome.  I wish I could sit across the table from you so that I could hear yours story.  I imagine that there is heartbreak involved.  I am so sorry.

Yes, this season is scary.  The unmooring of our faith is a scary thing.  If feels easier to follow a faith that we can understand and box up, than to trust a God who is mysterious and unknowable. But here’s a secret: If you let it, this season will become a major turning point in your life; one that strengthens your relationship with God. It may not seem like it right now, but I believe this to be true. It helps to have friends with you as you navigate.  I hope that I can be a friend for you.  I know that I won’t have all of the answers, but perhaps together we can make the wilderness a little less scary and we can journey together into the new land that God has promised.

I’ve learned a few things along the way and I’m actually starting to appreciate my wilderness experience (though not totally enjoying it).

Top three things that I’ve learned:

1. Your story is important.  God made each of us uniquely. Every single story of faith and doubt and how those two things intersect is unique too.  It’s important that we listen to one another and to hold space for the story.  Lean in.  Examine the doubts; where they came from.  Parts of your faith may fall away and that’s okay.  What remains will be more real than what you had before.  Yes, it’s scary, but what is on the other side is greater than you can imagine.

2. It’s important to hold space AND our tongues.  Telling people the answer to their faith doubts isn’t loving.  It’s crushing.  Instead, make space to hear the story.  Love others in the midst of it and then TRUST that God will meet them. Dismissing doubts and struggles-others or our own doesn’t fix anything.  In fact, dismissing them only increases the feelings of doubt and fear.

3. God is found in the wilderness.

I stumbled on something the other day and it feels important.  Searching through scripture to read more about the life of Jesus, I ended up in Matthew 3:3.  For some context, we’re encountering John the Baptist, Jesus cousin.  John was reportedly sent to prepare the way for Jesus.  He lived a unique life, spending a lot of his time in the wilderness of Judea.  Matthew referred back to an Old Testament book where John was prophesied about.  This is how Matthew 3:3 records it

The voice of one crying in the wilderness,

Make ready the way of the Lord,

Make his paths straight!”

Don’t ask me what led me to look that verse up in Isaiah.  Let’s just say I can be a bit of a Bible nerd sometimes.  Regardless of why, I read the same words in Isaiah…but there was something that was different.

A voice is calling,

Clear the way for the LORD in the wilderness;

Make smooth in the desert a highway for our God.

Did you catch it?  One verse reads that the VOICE is calling from the wilderness to make a way for the LORD.  The other reads that we need to clear a way for the LORD IN the wilderness.

Now, I don’t actually know which version is right.  The original text doesn’t have punctuation, so where that comma is supposed to be just isn’t clear.

What I do know is that I’ve experienced God in tangible ways as I settled into this wilderness place.  I’ve cried into his shoulder, and I’ve felt his gentle nudge.  He’s reminded me of his love, challenged me to step into his truth and cleared up some lies that I’ve believed about him.  So while my day to day isn’t filled with feeling fulfilled with my purpose, it has been filled with his presence.

I’ve begun to realize that I prefer his presence.

 

Book Recs for the journey:

Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water and Loving the Bible Again by Rachel Held Evans

Out of Sorts: Making Peace with an Evolving Faith by Sarah Bessey

The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg & Robert A. Guelich

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

Podcasts:

Stay Curious September 14, 2019 Critical Journey with Janet Hagberg

Lead Stories: October 22, 2019 Bonus Lead Voices Episode: Sarah Bessey #wewontgohome

The Liturgists Podcast Season 4, Episode 16 Christian (Part 1)

 

 

Hunched over my phone I scrolled through a handful of Instagram comments.  The post was by a woman in leadership and her question had been “Why do women (or you personally) shrink back and make ourselves small?”

Many comments resonated with me.  Reading story after story that echoed my own struggle felt like an injection of courage.  Two seconds of courage resulted in me opening up my blogging platform. Two more seconds of courage and I’d opened this post.

In this life God has offered me an incredible opportunity to hear stories.  Stories from church staff, mission staff, or women who simply attend church.  The stories are infused with discouragement, and frustration. Instead of being a place that values all people, the Church can sometimes be a place that squashes down, belittles, critiques and limits half of the people that God created.

I’ve heard stories from women who were asked to check feelings at the door, or who felt uncomfortable sharing negative feedback for fear of being labeled “bitchy.” Women overlooked because they didn’t fit a specific mold, or whose weaknesses were highlighted causing a battle to maintain confidence.  Does this sound like what God intended for the Church?

One woman vulnerably shared a recent experience in a public forum.  She’d taken off her mask and shared the good and bad story of the church.  Upon reflection a male leader had said very little to her about the risk, the experience, the vulnerability.  He didn’t ask how this had impacted her.  He did offer a critique of one small piece of what she’d shared.  How does this reflect Jesus?

The absolute WORST is the friendly fire.  When there are few women in leadership and they’ve been given a seat at the table, yet they cut down other women.  I imagine it’s done out of insecurity.  The crazy notion of scarcity; that there is only so little room at the table and that we all need to battle for our spot.

It’s utter crap.

We are ALL invited.  God wants each and every one of us there.

I don’t want to debate theology on this.  I know the verses used as weapons to limit the voices of women.  I’ve worked through it and I don’t subscribe.  If you disagree, I’m okay with that.  I don’t want to fight with you.  Because you know what?  There is a seat at the table for you too.  Even if we disagree.

When I read the gospels I read about a Jesus who entrusted the news of his resurrection to women.

1After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”

8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.” Matthew 28:1-10

If Jesus can entrust women with such important news, I am confident that he has other work for us to do.  Jesus has given us a seat at the table.  Will you?

If you’re a leader I’d like to offer you some suggestions.  You may already be doing some of these, some may be new.  It’s going to take work to ensure that females grow and thrive on a team.

1) Make time to listen.  We may not think the same way you do.  We certainly don’t see the world and/or scripture through the same lens.  So please don’t expect women to take a seat and conform to your way of seeing and doing. We need more women at the table because they bring new thoughts, new ideas and new perspective!  Be open to our voice.

2) Spend less time picking apart and more time building up.  This will involve taking risks.  We may not do things right the first time.  Who does?  Make room for mistakes from everyone, male and female.  We are all better when people are given a chance to learn and grow.

3) Don’t wait for the perfect female leader to show up at your door.  Despite what you may believe, great leaders aren’t born.  Great leaders have the initial ingredients to be a leader but it takes time, encouragement, resources, and experience to develop a great leaders.  Look around.  Who do you know that has potential?  Are you willing to invest in her as a leader?

4) Above all else, look at Jesus.  Read through the gospels and pay specific attention to the times that Jesus interacts with women.  He doesn’t negate their voice, he doesn’t demean them, objectify them or criticize them.  Instead he honors them, elevates them and loves them.

Leaders of the church, you have been given a high calling.  God has placed you in authority, entrusted you with all kinds of soon-to-be leaders.  So what are you going to do?  Are you going to encourage them, equip them and point them to Jesus?  Or will you spend more time thinking about yourself and how this impacts you?

Let’s help the Church become a place where women have a legitimate seat at the table.