17 days into the calendar year…what does that look like for you? Has the newness worn off or are you still holding on to your resolutions? Are you in a season of hope or have gray January days left you in a funk?

Normally I love the flip of the calendar year. Being set back to zero feels hopeful. It offers a world of possibilities. What will the new year bring? What changes do I want to make? Where do I want to grow? What books do I want to read? There are a whole 365 (or 366) days ahead that are filled with possibility. It’s a fresh start.

I felt a little differently as I approached 2020. In the past I’ve worked through a goal planner to kick off my year. It’s pages of work that requires dreaming and hope. It also requires honesty. Where have I come from? What got me there? What can I change to move forward? And each year the process involves picking a word for the year ahead.

Last year, my word was engage. After I’d picked the word, I’d envisioned that I’d engage with new friendships and in my job. Admitting that I was often distracted by my phone and social media, I commited to engaging in the moment. What I didn’t see coming was that it would also involve engaging in hard conversations, facing hard truths and saying yes to things that scared me. At the end of 2019 I was ready to let go of my word for the year. I was ready to stop engaging. So as 2020 approached I was a little anxious. What would be my new word of the year? What hard thing might God be asking me to do?

When I discovered that my word for 2020 was JOY I was thrilled! I was ready for joy to dominate my life. I stepped forward full of expectation.

Yet, capping out the first full week of January, the newness had already worn off of the year. My life was back to the day to day routine. I was finding joy but I had expected it to be different. In a moment of exhaustion and disappointment I asked God if he was near. I felt discouraged.

It’s easy to do. To look at what is happening around us and wonder why God isn’t quickly fixing the problems we see in front of us. We want the big important stories, and laundry and dishes don’t always feel important. It’s human to become discouraged when life happens.

In The Book of Joy Archbishop Desmond Tutu said “…we’ve got to accept ourselves as we are…getting to know what the things are that trigger us. These are things that you can train, you can change, but we ought not to be ashamed of ourselves. We are human, and sometimes it is a good thing that we recognize that we have human emotions.”

I have been discouraged. To pretend that it isn’t true is denying that very human feeling. So instead of denying my discouragement I began to examine where it was coming from. Unraveling the feelings took a little time and tears but then I took the opportunity to lay it all out before God. To tell him my expectations, my disappointments. I told him everything.

God answered that honest conversation in the most unexpected and abundant way. To think of it makes me grin from ear to ear. He didn’t solve my problems. Mundane moments still dominate my day. My life isn’t flashy or exciting. Yet God clearly reminded me that he sees me and that his promises to me are still true.

So sitting with my new word for the year, after definitions and prayer, I realized that I wasn’t yet able to leave behind my word for 2019. I realized that God was asking me to to ENGAGE with joy.

He hasn’t promised that joy will fall in my lap. There is no assurance that 2020 will be a year without trials or hard things. No, God is asking me to look for joy. To look for it in unlikely places. To live in expectation that joy can be found in all things. He is even asking me to bring joy to others instead of expecting that it would be brought to me.

I often walk in expectation that my work, my passions, my day to day is all about me. What brings me joy? Last year I believed that engaging would bring good things into my life. But that’s not what God promised. God never promised that I’d be glorified. In fact, it’s often when I’m glorified that I lose my way. When I stand in the place of glory instead of remembering that ALL OF IT is God, I get stuck and I end up off track.

God did promise that he loves me and wants good things for me. And he loves you and wants good things for you too. Sometimes good things mean obvious blessings and a heap full of happiness. But sometimes the very best thing is hard. Why? Because hard things cause us to grow. Hard things remind us to let go of the idols we’ve been gripping and hold tightly to God. And being near to God IS the very best thing.

As you think of your year ahead, what are your expectations? Are you expecting only good or are you ready for the good growth opportunitites that God has set before you? Can you acknowledge the emotions that make you human and dig deeper to what is causing them?

I’m excited to see what God has in store for the year ahead. We can live in expectation that God is with us and that he has set joy before us.

The coffee shop was a cacophony of noise.  An espresso machine gurgled as it brewed. Milk frothed and foamed, steamed to just the right temperature.  Laptop keys clattered and chairs scratched across the floor. In the midst of it all, my friend and I sat, catching up on travel and the lives of our kids.  We shared life struggles and plans for the coming months. I’d recently been through a challenging season. She listened intently and cooed support.  

Then in a quiet moment my friend looked me in the eye and stuttered out some serious faith questions.  The thoughts started slowly and then words tumbled out. After the doubts surfaced she caught herself and blurted “I just need to push through and get over it.” Tears caught in the corner of her eyes.  

Her questions were familiar.  I’ve asked many of them myself.  I’ve struggled through seasons of silence, feeling far from God.  I’ve wondered if God is good, questioned if I can trust him. I’ve held Jesus at arms length and been mystified by the Holy Spirit. And there are days when thinking about God and eternity has caused me to panic.  Not because of doubt but because my head cannot comprehend the enormity of God, his omniscience and omnipresence.  

Sometimes I struggle through my faith questions on my own, afraid that by sharing them, someone might question the strength of my faith. My instinct and the instinct of my friend is to quickly shut the door on faith questions, to move along and act like nothing is wrong.  

Why do we think we all need to have all the answers? How can we imagine that there will come a time when we will fully understand God and have the ability to explain him? Do we believe that there will be a time when we will no longer wonder or doubt?  

The Bible certainly doesn’t instruct us to live this way.  The book of Job is filled with questions. Questions that Job has for God after experiencing extreme suffering. Job has lost almost everything. He lost his kids, and his possessions.  In the midst of it, he asks why. “Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?” Job 3:23 NIV

He asks why he should continue to hope, now that he’s lost everything.  “What strength do I have, that I should still hope?” Job 6:11 NIV

He wonders what the purpose is for men on earth, “Do not mortals have hard service on earth?  Are not their days like those of hired laborers?” Job 7:1 NIV

It’s an entire book filled with questions from a man who is suffering.  

It is also a case study in what to do and not do when faced with the suffering of a loved one.  At first Job’s friends sit with him and say nothing. And all is good. Then they open their mouths and get into trouble.  Instead of making space for his suffering and his questions, his friends try to explain it. They answer suffering with truth and not with love.  

God appears to Job at the end of the story, after Job’s friends have completely put their feet in their mouths.  Yet he doesn’t show up and answer all of Job’s questions. He does reveal his presence. He speaks with Job about his character and his presence and he has a few questions of his own for Job.  Finally after all of it, Job recognizes his place in the story and that God has been present in all of it. Chapter 42 contains one of my favorite verses of scripture, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”  Job 42:5 NIV

It is in our questions, our doubts that we grow in relationship with God.  When all is stripped away and we realize that God has been present the entire time, we learn to lean on him more and more.We aren’t meant to fully explain God.  We are meant for relationship with him. “I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5 NIV

I’ve had some big faith questions in my life and I am sure that I will have more.  Thankfully, God has given me safe people who dig into my questions. Women who never shame me.  Friends who listen, ask questions and then reflect their own experience. They point me to scripture and resources and I always leave the conversation encouraged.  They’ve made it okay to wonder, doubt and question. And they’ve taught me to do the same for others.  

On that day in the coffee shop, as I sat across from my sweet friend and the tears spilled over, I was able to say “Those are some incredible questions.  I don’t think you need to push through and get over it. Tell me more.”