Confession time…there was this one time that I shook a knife at my husband. Accidently, of course, but still.
We were cleaning up the kichen. I was washing dishes and Brian was drying. We were having the same circular conversation we’d been having for 12 months. He was rightly frustrated and so was I. My emotions were taking over; I was hurt and angry. The conversation escalated until I was tearfully yelling at him and using my hands to emphasize my point. As it would turn out, I’d been washing a sink full of knives and I happened to be holding one.
After a moment or two he gently suggested that I put the knife down. I was horrified. I hadn’t even realized that I was shaking the knife in his direction.
My emotions had clearly gotten the best of me and I wasn’t even aware of my actions.
Has this ever happened to you? A comment that sets you off and makes you feel anxious or panicked or angry? Perhaps your reaction contains 100% less knife pointing but does damage nonetheless.
Thinking and praying through my fight with Brian, I realized that there was a deeper unresolved issue that I needed to consider. It had nothing to do with him. I guess you could say there was a “trigger” that caused me to have a strong reaction any time that it popped up.
There are two possible solutions to this problem. Brian and anyone else who knows and loves me could learn my triggers and avoid them. They’d have to tiptoe around specific topics, careful not to say certain words. It’s a tricky solution because, in this case, someone else had said the words that triggered me. What Brian experienced was my unresolved reaction to hearing a phrase that caused me pain. This solution also leaves a land mine for anyone who doesn’t know me all that well.
The other possible fix is that I dig in and deal with my issue.
Quick recap for those not familiar, Esau and Jacob were twin brothers. They were children of Isaac and Rebekah. Esau was the older brother, Jacob the younger. Isaac and Rebekah both played favorites. Esau was dad’s favorite and Jacob was a mama’s boy.
At some point in their youth, Esau sold his birthright to Jacob. A little while later, while Isaac (dad) lay dying, Jacob deceived his father into pronouncing a blessing over Jacob. In the time of Jacob and Esau this blessing was reserved for the oldest child, so this was kind of a big deal.
Esau was rightly angered at the deception and so in Genesis 27:41 it says Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessings his father had given him. And Esau determined in his heart: “The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”
The enneagram eight in me understands Esau’s anger… although I’m not totally on board his plan for murder. My overdeveloped sense of justice meter gets fired up whenever I read this passage because Esau was wronged, Jacob got away with it and then fled.
It’s the next part of Esau’s story that recently surprised me. Genesis continues telling of Jacob’s exploits. We don’t see Esau again until Genesis 33. When he finally comes back into the narrative twenty years later, a lot has changed in Esau’s heart. “But Esau ran to meet him (Jacob), hugged him, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Then they wept.“
I don’t know what God did in the 20 years in between those verses but clearly it changed Esau and he let go of his grudge. He forgave Jacob for the wrongs he had done to Esau. Not only did he forgive Jacob but he ran to meet him.
There’s a similar story in Genesis 37-50 when we learn about Joseph and his brothers (who sell him into slavery). It’s a story of jealousy, deception and forgiveness. Joseph’s story has a beautiful ending because he gets to be the one to forgive and then save his brothers from a famine. Yet the story of Esau has more meaning to me for one very important reason: Esau never gets to be the hero of the story.
Esau is wronged by his twin brother, his birthright is taken from him and he is the one who forgave Jacob before an apology and he’s still not the hero of the story. The most important part that Esau plays in this story is that he ran to hug Jacob and they wept together.
And here is why this matters to me:
What if I’m missing my role in God’s story because I’m holding on to hurt from the past? That’s a sobering thought.
God certainly created me with my justice meter and many times he has asked me to use that trait to accomplish a task. And just as many times as he’s asked me to stand up for something, I’ve been knocked down in the process. I have not been the hero in the story.
And I think I may have been mistaken about my role. I thought the important part was that I stood up…but what if the important part was what happened after? What if my biggest role in the story is running to hug the one who hurt me?
Do you have a trigger? Something that happened in the past that haunts you and causes you pain? Are you holding on and nursing the wound? It’s not easy to let go of the unfairness and the hurt. Honestly, I take comfort in knowing that it took 20 years for Esau to have an opportunity to hug Jacob. Twenty years might be what it takes for God to work out my stuff. But it will only happen if I release it to him.
What would it take for you to release what’s haunting you and to love the other person?
“A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35
The context of this verse is so important. Jesus had just sent off Judas to betray him, he’s about to predict that Peter will deny him and he’s facing his own unfair death. And THIS was the command he left them. That they should love one another.
What beauty could be found if we were known by our willingness to run to hug the ones who hurt us? What testimony would it be if we not only forgave but that we embraced and wept together?
*Side note. I know there are situations that I am not close to understanding. Sometimes the best way to love someone is from a distance. I’m not asking you to be in proximity to abusers, to run back and hug them. Any heart work that needs to happen is best done in prayer. God has a way of clearing out the static of well intentioned advice. I’d encourage you to listen to his voice above all the others, especially mine.
Sarah J Boonstra 