I had no idea. Last week, when I encouraged us to pray the dangerous prayer I had no idea that our world was on the verge of such uncertainty. Between the Coronavirus risk, the ensuing quarantine/ cancellations and the stock market swings, it feels like life just got turned upside down. All of the things that I thought were sure and steady don’t feel sure or steady any more.

I’d be lying if I said that in all of this uncertainty I am not anxious. I have my moments. Times where my chest feels tight or my heart races. Picking up my phone to check for notifications is a nervous habit. Since my phone tracks pick ups I can quantify how often I feel anxious and tell you that it’s often. I play worst case scenarios in my head. My imagination has a lot of options of bad things that could happen.

But lately I’ve been thinking about hope.

Where do I place my hope? The last seven days has shown me all of the places where I have misplaced my hope. I know that God is in control and that he’s not surprised by this. That’s never been a question. But I find myself praying a prayer that goes something like this… “God, if you will make XYZ happen, then I’ll feel better.” Or, “God, I know that you are good and that you are in control. Don’t you think that THIS should happen now? It will bring you glory (not to mention make me feel better.)” Right now I’m imagining God shaking his head and smiling at me.

Perhaps you’ve prayed something similar.

These days I’m reading the book of Job often. In the very beginning we learn all about him. He does all the right things, he fears God and shuns evil. He’s also a caring father, and a successful businessman and he honors God in all of it. He would probably say something similar to “God is in control and he is good.” Job wasn’t doing anything wrong and yet the rest of the book exposes that Job misplaced his hope.

“What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.” Job 3:25-26.

That’s how Job feels when all of his wealth, health and happy family is stripped away.

Contrast this to what James (Jesus’ half brother) says in James 2:2-4. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I’m not suggesting we can’t acknowledge very real suffering and grieve losses. It is good to grieve. To remember the good that God had given to us and to mourn when that good is gone. Yet there is a difference between the grief of losing something we loved and the way that we feel when we lose something in which we’d placed our hope. My anxious feelings have been revealing that I’m grieving something in which I’d placed my hope.

Is God using this period in time to expose where you have misplaced your hope?

We don’t know how this will turn out. We are not promised health, or wealth or a happy family. We aren’t promised that we won’t face hard things. Hard choices, hard losses, hard conversations. But we have to remember that what we are losing is not where our hope is found.

Psalm 46

For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth. A song.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

What does this look like in the very real uncertainty of today?

It means we pray first. We identify what is causing us to be anxious and we talk to God about it. We tell him all of our fears, we confess where we’ve placed our hope and then we take a deep breath, a slow exhale and we turn it over to him. He knows we’ll pick it back up again later. And later we’ll have another opportunity to choose him again. And again and again.

It means we stop looking at what we’re losing and we start thinking about the gifts we’ve been given. For some of us that’s a LOT of unexpected family time. What are we doing with our time? Five years from now, when you know the outcome of this season, what will you wish that you had done with your kids?

We look to serve others; to offer compassion and care to those who need it. Make a phone call or FaceTime someone who is high risk. Offer to help an elderly neighbor by buying groceries. Be patient in the checkout line.

Above all, it means that we do not lose hope. We DO KNOW that God is in control and he is trustworthy.

I love playing loud music in my car. I’ll listen to just about anything, except angry music. Having a musician yell at me completely stresses me out. My favorite kind of music would best be defined as lighthearted or hopeful alternative music. I like songs that make me feel happy. I’ll take anything with an upbeat tune.

Occasionally when I turn up the radio because I like a song that’s playing my 14 year old will ask me if I know the lyrics. Turns out some songs on the radio have questionable messages. Who knew? I listen to them, sometimes even singing along, without realizing the meaning.

Have you ever sung along without really thinking about what you were saying? Or perhaps you’ve prayed a prayer without really thinking about the words.

I woke up on Ash Wednesday with a prayer in my head that was straight out of scripture. Psalm 139:23 to be exact.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

Thinking about the meaning of Lent and reflecting that it was a time for us to humble ourselves before God, I recited the verse in my head a few times. Then I swung my legs over the bed, dug my feet into my slippers, and went about the rest of my day.

That evening I slipped quietly into an Ash Wednesday service. Right up on two very large screens was that very same verse from Psalm 139. As I waited for the service to start, it occured to me that the last line was a very dangerous prayer to pray. “Test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

I’m not a theologian but I can be rather dangerous with the BibleHub app and website and so I can tell you that the word “test” from that verse is the Hebrew word bachan which means to examine, try.

Strong's Exhaustive Concordance defines it as examine, prove, tempt, try trial

A primitive root; to test (especially metals); generally and figuratively, to investigate -- examine, prove, tempt, try (trial).

The same word is used in Zechariah. This time it’s God saying he will test his people like gold. That same metaphor is used again in Job when Job claims that when God has tested him, he will come forth as gold (Job 23:10)

Since I’m quite obsessed with the book of Job I want to share something that I’ve been wondering about this prayer (Psalm 139:23) and what God allowed to happen to Job.

In Job 1:8 God is the one who says of Job “There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

If you’re not familiar with the rest of the book, here’s a quick summary: God allows Satan to take away Job’s comforts, his family, even his health, to see if Job will curse God. The rest of the book is Job’s friends trying to comfort him, Job defending himself and questioning what landed him in this terrible situation. Toward the end, God finally speaks to Job and he has a few questions of his own.

And here is what I wonder…in all of his uprightness, is it possible that Job prayed a prayer like Psalm 139:23 without really thinking about what he was saying? AND is it possible that Job still had sinfulness in his heart even in his uprightness? I ask because the final words that he speaks in this book are “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:5-6

Again, I’ve not been to seminary so these are simply wonderings of an amateur Bible reader. I encourage you to do your own reading and come up with your own questions and conclusions. Today, you just get to be a bystander as I wrestle with mine. I will have to wonder these things for a long time since there’s no way of knowing the answer this side of heaven.

I have an innate desire to live in the happily ever after life of having everything figured out (like Job) and yet I’m realizing that God will very likely ALWAYS need to “test” me to refine what is happening in my heart and mind. I’m certainly nothing like Job. Nowhere even close. There will always be ways in which I need to see God in a new way.

But the “testing”? It’s no walk in the park. Why would I pray for that? It’s inviting challenges, obstacles, hard events into my life.

So what’s better…a “happily-ever-after life” less close to God OR going through trials and difficulties that draw me closer to him? Paul would argue in favor of the latter. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

Does the “testing” make a difference? I believe yes. Being closer to God is always better. Side note: It’s scary to type that last sentence because it feels like I’m inviting hard things into my life in order to draw closer to God. I have to lean on a few things that I know in order to step outside of the fear that grips me. What I have experienced is that God is always good. He is kind and he loves me (and you) more than I can imagine. I have to trust him, even when things don’t go well for me.

So perhaps we pray that dangerous prayer. Ask God to refine us, test us, to reveal what is in our hearts. In the end we will know him better.

And if you’re already in that “testing” period…the one that feels like it will never end? I wish that I could sit across from you to encourage you. Words seem so trite when we’re walking through hard things. . I can tell you that God is near. He does want good things for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s worth drawing close to him. Find some people who will encourage you and seek God out in the hardest moments. He never leaves you alone.