I have been a 31 days failure.

To start, my failure was because I recognized that I was forcing something that wasn’t there. Since no one was reading it-what did it matter?

But then last week happened.

Last week was full of sorrow and sadness-mixed with glimpses of miracles and thankfulness.  It was the weirdest week.

A dear friend died last week.  Even typing the words causes heartache.  Died.  It seems so final.

She was not old, she was not sick.  She was not in a car accident.   There was no outside drama to what happened to her.  One day she was at my house (that miracle is just too much for me to comprehend) and four days later she was gone.

I am sad for those of us left here without her.  I’m not sad for her because I know she is with Jesus.  But there is an enormous hole left HERE that can never be filled.

A baby is without her grandmother.  Children are without a mother and a husband is without his wife.

And a lot of people are without a dear friend.

During her memorial we had a moment in which I was able to bow my head and pray-and in my mind I threw an absolute hissy fit at God.  I could see myself shaking my fist, stomping my feet and yelling at Him-because there is just no way on earth that I will ever understand the why of this.

I cannot share the questions I asked.  Her story is not mine to share.

I can tell you that I lost a mentor.  I am who I am because of her.  She taught me how awesome science can be for kids.  Her steady strength allowed me to figure out who I was-deep inside.  I watched a wife love her husband and I learned what a good marriage looks like.  I watched a mother love her kids and I learned what a good mother looks like. I watched a woman love her God and I learned what true relationship with God is.

I am forever grateful that I got to have her in my life.  She is permanently imprinted on me.  I see evidence of her influence everywhere I look.

Right now I love Crowder’s song “Come As You Are” because it contains the line “Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal.”

That is my hope.

And I hold on to the promise that God is near.  Because I cannot bare to walk through this sorrow alone.

I didn’t forget to post today-I’m just going to intentionally not write.  God instructed us to rest for a reason. It is in rest that we are renewed.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

I have no story to accompany this verse.

Actually I don’t have much to say about the verse aside from the fact that I take a lot of comfort in knowing that God will not give me more temptation than I can handle.

It is a promise that I can hold on to in moments when I am struggling….

This was the first Bible verse I ever memorized.  I must have been in third grade, because that was my first year in a Christian school.  A speaker came to talk to us about something (that I don’t recall) and at the end of his talk he had us repeat this verse over and over.  I’ve never forgotten the verse.

When I was in third grade I would have thought that sin was some specific act that God had prohibited, and that I would always be aware that I had done something wrong. Seemed pretty cut and dry.

As I’ve gotten older my definition of sin has changed.  Now I think of it as anything, good or bad, that I let come between me and God.  When I make something good into something ultimate (thank you Tim Keller) it becomes an idol.  The 10 commandments have something to say about idols.

I know I’m not supposed to covet, or slander or murder-but I’m also supposed to keep God in his rightful place and not replace him with things like exercise, or writing, or a tv show.  God is God-nothing should replace him in our lives.

However, even though I KNOW what I’m supposed to do, or not do-that isn’t always how I behave.  I get caught up in the moment, or lose my focus.  And it can take a second for the wrong words to come out or to make a bad decision.

But I am comforted that God promises to forgive me-if only I seek him.  He is faithful that way.  If I confess to him (and what a relief that can be) he promises that he will forgive us.

Amazing.

And even better-when we seek him he purifies us from ALL unrighteousness.  That means he’s changing us as we seek him-so that I don’t continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

What an awesome God.

My husband and I were married on a very snowy day in January (in Canada).  So snowy, in fact, that 36 guests were unable to make it to our wedding.  Roads were closed, flights were cancelled-it was a traveling nightmare.

Well we got married anyway and had a great time at our reception.

One thing that I will never forget about that day was the wedding verse we chose.

Romans 8:28.

My husband’s grandfather gave the message, and he talked about how this verse wasn’t  the typical choice for weddings.  He kindly pointed out that most people choose it for funerals.

I wish I could tell you that in our 22 year old wisdom, my future husband and I had intentionally picked that verse to show our understanding that life ahead was going to be rocky.

We weren’t that wise.

And if you had asked the 22 year old me what I thought that verse meant, I probably would have told you that if we love God, things will have a way of working it out in the end.  Everyone gets their happily ever after.

What the last almost 16 years have taught me is that my version of happily ever after and God’s version are two different things.

In my standards-I have known a lot of people who are not currently living the typical happily ever after.  Lives marked by suicide, death of a child, death of a spouse, illness…the list goes on.

So how can I claim this promise knowing that there is so much pain?

What if when Paul wrote “God works for the good” he meant something different than -things will all work out for YOUR happily ever after? What if we’re looking at this the wrong way.

Jesus did say we would have trouble.

If you have children or have been around children near a major holiday-you may have seen the meltdowns that come with waiting for the big meal.  Kids get hungry and they want a snack.  But the beginning of  feast is five minutes away so mom says no.  And that can be the most horrible answer for a child because she is hungry NOW.

Sometimes we are that child.  I get my nose bent out of shape because I want something that I think is good-when God has a feast planned.  I may get to that feast in this life or I may have to wait for heaven-but make no mistake-it is better than anything I cod ask for or imagine.

I have to trust that God has a better plan. And that the trials of this life are preparing me for God’s version of good.

And I need to let go of my expectation of what good looks like in this life and embrace where God has me now so that I may fulfill the purpose that he has for me.