Hope

Wonder

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Waking early for time with God means waking before the sun.  For many of the winter months waking this early is jarring and my warm bed is hard to leave.  But not this December.

This year, as I wake in the early morning hours I remember what is waiting for me outside my bedroom door.  Leaving my room, I can see the glow of light emanating from around the corner.  Turning, I feel joy at the beauty of what I see: my Christmas mantle. 95CCCEE6-2990-4BCB-8ADE-EC641F4CD4EA

I love everything about this season: the food, the music, giving and getting gifts but I especially love the decor .  I love sitting in our house with all of the lights off except for those on our Christmas tree.  I even love driving my kids to and from all of our various commitments because we get to see houses decked out with colorful lights.

This is a season that celebrates light in the darkness.

This Advent there is one story about light in the darkness has been sticking with me.  I’m sure that you’ve heard it before, but humor me and take a moment to savor this piece of the Christmas story.

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

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I’ve been wondering what it must have been like that night; trying to imagine the scene. Shepherds, charged with keeping watch over the sheep, sitting out in the fields.  No one else is around.  They’re protective of their sheep.  Watchful even.  The world around them is rather dark.  There weren’t exactly street lights or house lights to add a glow to the horizon. I imagine that there were a lot of stars visible that night.  Maybe the shepherds took turns staying awake through the night…or maybe they were all staying up late talking in the darkness.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that darkness. Did it feel cold and lonely?  Or was it a comfortable darkness.  One that felt familiar?

But then the darkness was suddenly and unexpectedly disrupted by light.  Quiet disrupted by an angel and a message and singing.  It was a mundane night disrupted by amazing news.  News that changed everything for those shepherds.

Did you catch that when you read the story?  Did you feel the wonder of the shepherds?  Did you consider what the angels looked and sounded like?

Sometimes when I read the story, it seems kind of anticlimatic.  An angel appears with a message, then more angels appear, start singing and then they just return to heaven.  And then the shepherds just say to one another “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

Do you think they just said it nonchalantly?  I bet their voices were shaking and their eyes were wide.  I bet they were wondering if they were crazy.

But then they found Jesus and Joseph and Mary and everything was just as the angel said.  And they were left with no choice but to share what they had seen and heard because it changed them.

Somehow in previous Christmases I lost the wonder and the excitement of the shepherds.  The story didn’t amaze me or bring me to tears and it certainly didn’t inspire me to share about it.

As my kids grew and our calendar filled with concerts and sports and parties, the wonder of the season was forgotten underneath all of the wrapping of Christmas.  The lists and tasks took over and before I knew it, Christmas Day was here and I’d missed experiencing the good stuff.  I was a shepherd in the darkness who MISSED the message and the singing.  I was so busy preparing for Christmas that I forgot to celebrate it.

This season has been different.  I’ve been aware of the darkness and I’ve been looking for the light.  Waiting with anticipation.  And this year the story moves me.  The shepherds, the angels, the scene at the manger…all of it brings me to tears when I think about it.

It moves me because the news of the angels changes everything for us too, if we let it. The idea that Christ came down and took human form causes me to weep because I am aware of my darkness and my need for light.  Jesus voluntarily became that light because I couldn’t be it for myself.  I hope I never lose the feeling of wonder that news brings.

Where are you this season?  Do you experience wonder at the thought of God incarnate? Does imagining the scene with Mary and her little baby move you? Do you sit and imagine what the shepherds thought and felt that night in the darkness?  Where are you sitting this season that needs disruption? Is there a part of your life that feels dark?  Are you wishing there was a way to recapture the wonder that you felt as a child? Wishing there was more joy this time of year?

If you’re anything like me this season always feels hectic and crazy.  It’s hard to catch a breath.  It can be challenging to find that moment to experience joy and wonder. If I may, I’d like to offer a few suggestions to help you reclaim the wonder of the season and what it means for you.

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                    • If you light a candle, take a breath.  Invite God into that singular moment.  Just acknowledge him. Ask him to meet you there.
                    • Take that moment in the pick up line at school, or in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Don’t check your phone.  Don’t turn on music.  Instead, take just a few minutes and breathe deep.  Imagine the shepherds in the field and a glorious host of angels coming out of nowhere. Imagine the light in the darkness.
                    • As you prepare to go to bed at night, turn off all of the lights except for those on the Christmas tree.  Put away your phone and then take a seat in front of the tree or twinkly lights somewhere in your home or even just light a candle. Take a moment to sit.

Think about that very first Christmas, Christ coming down and all of the angels from heaven needing to declare the wonder of it to a field of shepherds.  Invite God to sit with you.  Invite him into the darkness and ask him to be the light.

If you’re someone who isn’t sure about the Christmas story; isn’t sure about Jesus and the shepherds and the angels, but you are looking for wonder, would you consider trying one of the suggestions above?  I believe that God meets us exactly where we are with what we need.  He will meet you there, in that moment, if you’ll invite him in.

May this season bring back your joy and wonder.

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Thanksgiving

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The alarm chirps to wake me from my slumber.  As my arm slinks out from under the covers to flip the switch, I ponder “groaning or gratitude?” Resent the disruption to my rest or rejoice for in the day ahead?  It’s all in my perspective.  What I choose will determine the mindset for my day.  The choice is mine to make.

Today is Thanksgiving.  A day to thank God for all of the wonderful things he has done in my life.  A day to proclaim “How great our God!” As I walk this journey I’m beginning to understand that being grateful for the good things in life is a lot easier than it is to thank him for the hardships and the challenges.  It’s easier to proclaim that God is good when my life is good.

God has been teaching me to see the good in the hard things; to look for the lesson.  I’m starting to see his provision when he says “no” to my prayers.  I’ve caught glimpses of his mercy in the “not yet.” This is not to say that I am living a life in complete gratitude to God and thankful for the troubles.  I’m certainly not there yet.  But I’m learning BIG lessons of gratitude each day.

Today, will I be thankful to see my breath as I walk knowing that I have a warm home in which to retreat or will I grumble in the cold?  I hope that I’ll see the beauty of the freshly fallen snow; the white wonderland it creates.

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Can I be grateful for sinus pressure, a stuffy nose and tickly throat, knowing that soon enough my health will return? This minor cold has reminded me to slow down and rest.  Can I be grateful for this gift?

When I’m short with my son, will I be thankful for the reminder that I’m broken or will I heap shame upon my own head for my bad parenting? Can I accept an opportunity to ask for forgiveness that could be a teaching moment for both of us?

A pile of dishes in the sink means that I have a family to feed and enough food to fill their bellies.  Will I choose gratitude or grumbling at the work that lies ahead?

Laundry piled high means that we have more than enough clothes to wear each day. Will I consider those who do not have this luxury or will I focus on the disruption to my day?

Changing my perspective changes my heart.  Seeing the potential good instead of focusing on what disappoints me is within my control.  Small choices have big outcomes when it comes to matters of the heart.  Will I choose to see the light or will I focus on the darkness?  Can I live a life of gratitude for the good and the bad or will I only see God’s goodness when “good” things happen?

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Meals to make means that I have food in my fridge.

Bills to pay means that I have heat, and electricity and entertaining TV.

Annoying political ads mean that I live in a free country.

A full calendar means that I have purpose to my day.

Missing someone means that I’ve loved greatly.

Being let down by others means that I have expectations and hope and not a hard heart filled with cynicism.  Being hurt drives me to the arms of the One who never disappoints and deepens my relationship with Him.  Can I remember this?

Our Creator loves us greatly.  He wants us to see ALL of His good gifts.  It only takes a shift in focus.  May we wake each day and choose our perspective wisely.

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Failure

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What’s your definition of failure?  My definition has always involved falling short, or disappointing someone.  Doing a great job and knowing that others were pleased with my work has always been important to me.  Being the best at something RULES!  If I couldn’t be the best, or at least, VERY good at something, it didn’t seem worth trying. As I hone in on my personal definition, failure meant the absence of success.

I’ve always feared failure.  I feared not being successful at a task, in a job or in my relationships.

Recently, I failed at all three.

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A few weeks ago I walked away from my dream job, a role that I thought matched up with all of my skills and my passions.  In a final conversation with a co-worker, I admitted that I’d failed.  Everywhere I looked was the absence of success.  Relationships that weren’t working, areas of my role where I was not excelling.  A dream job that wasn’t so dreamy.

My body even told me that I’d failed.  My insomnia had worsened.  Being awake from 1am until 5am isn’t condusive to being a healthy human.  Anxiety was growing in my life. I questioned myself, my value, my tasks.  I was constantly afraid that I was doing something wrong.  I was distracted at home and when I was driving.  Running and hiking, two activities that once brought me much joy, were bombarded with negative thoughts.

Something had to give. No amount of trying harder, or being better would make up for my weaknesses.  I knew that I needed to walk away.  And so I did.

And all of this is very depressing except for one thing.  Accepting my failure actually helped me to grow.A4A135A1-09B1-41C7-9477-A382310870FE

By admitting defeat and walking away, I learned a few things.  First, I learned that I simply won’t be good at everything and not everyone will like me.  Both hard earned lessons but good, nonetheless.  Not doing something well isn’t the end of the world.  I won’t ever be good at things if I don’t first start by doing something badly.  I want to be a better writer and the only way to do that is to write. Don’t tell my kids but my first years as a parent, I was not great.  Actually, it’s probably fine if you tell them.  They’ll say I still have some growth areas.  Becoming a good golfer requires practicing golf.  Becoming a good pianist requires playing the piano.  The list goes on.

Accepting that I couldn’t be good at everything freed me up to build relationships with others who excel at the very things I couldn’t master.  Asking for help actually meant I was building better relationships.

Learning that not everyone likes me was a difficult revelation.  One that I am still wrestling through.  But in this failure I learned a lot about my weaknesses.  Things I can work through with my counselor to ensure that I don’t repeat unhealthy patterns.  I also learned to appreciate the amazing community of people already in my life who are willing to pick me up, dust me off and speak life over me. People who want to celebrate my strengths. They hold up a mirror and speak what they see when the messages that I’m hearing are distorted versions of me.  These are relationships worth investing in.

Finally, I learned that God is good.  All the time. Sometimes we have to look a little harder to see his goodness, but it’s worth it. He has been near throughout all of my failures.  I’ve learned new ways to experience his presence and hear his voice.  His love for me and his compassion has felt real and tender.  And I would do this all again to ensure that I experience this.

While I didn’t grow into my dream job; didn’t conquer my role and win everyone over, I can honestly say that I’ve grown more than I thought possible.  So now I have a new definition of failure.  Failure ISN’T the absence of success.  Failure is the absence of GROWTH.

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Though I still maintain that I failed in my job and some relationships there, I also admit that the last 15 months have not been a failure.  I have learned more and grown more in this time than I ever thought possible.  I’ve grown in my faith, and in my ability to be compassionate. I’ve even learned new skills.  All worth it.

You might be wondering how all of this pertains to the wilderness.

Time in the wilderness is not wasted as long you’re exploring and growing.  Letting go of the faith of your childhood is okay if you are leaning into who you are and what you believe.  Doubting God’s existence or the effectiveness of prayer…all fine if you’re exploring where these thoughts and feelings come from and what you want to do with them.

Ask questions, dig deep and explore faith.  Explore the Bible and where it came from.  Examine other religions.  Read the gospels to decide if this Jesus fellow is really someone you want to follow.  Yell at God for all the ways that he has disappointed you.  Be mad at the church for the ways in which you’ve been hurt.  But also, tell someone how you feel. Share your questions, your doubts and your disappointment with someone you trust. Don’t spend this time of doubt in isolation.

I’m not afraid to encourage you to explore these things because I am so confident that God will catch you in the wondering and wandering. He has people for you in this space, if you’ll let them in. We are meant to keep growing, for our whole lives.  There is no end point in faith.  So dig deep, explore, and GROW.  It’s the very best way to be closer to God.