What’s your definition of failure? My definition has always involved falling short, or disappointing someone. Doing a great job and knowing that others were pleased with my work has always been important to me. Being the best at something RULES! If I couldn’t be the best, or at least, VERY good at something, it didn’t seem worth trying. As I hone in on my personal definition, failure meant the absence of success.
I’ve always feared failure. I feared not being successful at a task, in a job or in my relationships.
Recently, I failed at all three.
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A few weeks ago I walked away from my dream job, a role that I thought matched up with all of my skills and my passions. In a final conversation with a co-worker, I admitted that I’d failed. Everywhere I looked was the absence of success. Relationships that weren’t working, areas of my role where I was not excelling. A dream job that wasn’t so dreamy.
My body even told me that I’d failed. My insomnia had worsened. Being awake from 1am until 5am isn’t condusive to being a healthy human. Anxiety was growing in my life. I questioned myself, my value, my tasks. I was constantly afraid that I was doing something wrong. I was distracted at home and when I was driving. Running and hiking, two activities that once brought me much joy, were bombarded with negative thoughts.
Something had to give. No amount of trying harder, or being better would make up for my weaknesses. I knew that I needed to walk away. And so I did.
And all of this is very depressing except for one thing. Accepting my failure actually helped me to grow.
By admitting defeat and walking away, I learned a few things. First, I learned that I simply won’t be good at everything and not everyone will like me. Both hard earned lessons but good, nonetheless. Not doing something well isn’t the end of the world. I won’t ever be good at things if I don’t first start by doing something badly. I want to be a better writer and the only way to do that is to write. Don’t tell my kids but my first years as a parent, I was not great. Actually, it’s probably fine if you tell them. They’ll say I still have some growth areas. Becoming a good golfer requires practicing golf. Becoming a good pianist requires playing the piano. The list goes on.
Accepting that I couldn’t be good at everything freed me up to build relationships with others who excel at the very things I couldn’t master. Asking for help actually meant I was building better relationships.
Learning that not everyone likes me was a difficult revelation. One that I am still wrestling through. But in this failure I learned a lot about my weaknesses. Things I can work through with my counselor to ensure that I don’t repeat unhealthy patterns. I also learned to appreciate the amazing community of people already in my life who are willing to pick me up, dust me off and speak life over me. People who want to celebrate my strengths. They hold up a mirror and speak what they see when the messages that I’m hearing are distorted versions of me. These are relationships worth investing in.
Finally, I learned that God is good. All the time. Sometimes we have to look a little harder to see his goodness, but it’s worth it. He has been near throughout all of my failures. I’ve learned new ways to experience his presence and hear his voice. His love for me and his compassion has felt real and tender. And I would do this all again to ensure that I experience this.
While I didn’t grow into my dream job; didn’t conquer my role and win everyone over, I can honestly say that I’ve grown more than I thought possible. So now I have a new definition of failure. Failure ISN’T the absence of success. Failure is the absence of GROWTH.
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Though I still maintain that I failed in my job and some relationships there, I also admit that the last 15 months have not been a failure. I have learned more and grown more in this time than I ever thought possible. I’ve grown in my faith, and in my ability to be compassionate. I’ve even learned new skills. All worth it.
You might be wondering how all of this pertains to the wilderness.
Time in the wilderness is not wasted as long you’re exploring and growing. Letting go of the faith of your childhood is okay if you are leaning into who you are and what you believe. Doubting God’s existence or the effectiveness of prayer…all fine if you’re exploring where these thoughts and feelings come from and what you want to do with them.
Ask questions, dig deep and explore faith. Explore the Bible and where it came from. Examine other religions. Read the gospels to decide if this Jesus fellow is really someone you want to follow. Yell at God for all the ways that he has disappointed you. Be mad at the church for the ways in which you’ve been hurt. But also, tell someone how you feel. Share your questions, your doubts and your disappointment with someone you trust. Don’t spend this time of doubt in isolation.
I’m not afraid to encourage you to explore these things because I am so confident that God will catch you in the wondering and wandering. He has people for you in this space, if you’ll let them in. We are meant to keep growing, for our whole lives. There is no end point in faith. So dig deep, explore, and GROW. It’s the very best way to be closer to God.
Sarah J Boonstra 