Normally I’m not in favor of using “Christianese.”  You know, the weird language that us Christians use with one another.  We say things like “fellowship together” instead of “hang out.”  We use big words like sanctification or redemption.  We drop Holy Spirit bombs, saying things like “the holy spirit told me…”

That last one actually makes my skin crawl.

To be clear, I one hundred percent believe that the Holy Spirit is alive and active in this world.  I believe we should absolutely pay attention to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our lives.  

But I have BIG RED WARNING SIGNS when someone claims that the Holy Spirit is telling them what I should be doing.  

Like I said, I’m not normally in favor of using the Christian language that so often makes boundary lines clear between who’s in and who is out.  For more on this, see Jen Hatmakers awesome Facebook post on this topic.

BUT, I have an affinity for the word Ebenezer.

Ebenezer is a word used in 1 Samuel 7:12.  For some context: Israel, God’s chosen people, who had previously abandoned God had returned to Him.  The prophet (someone who speaks God’s word to a people) Samuel, had told them to turn back with their whole hearts and get rid of all of their other gods.  And they were doing it.  Yay Israel!

Right in the midst of them turning back, a big army assembles against them. They are terrified.  They come to Samuel and ask him to intercede to God on their behalf.  And God delivers the Israelites by thundering with a loud thunder and causing the other army to panic and run.  And if you just read that sentence and didn’t realize the weight of what God did, please read it again.  The Israelites didn’t make a plan.  They didn’t assemble.  GOD did the work.  BY THUNDERING!

So, in verse 12, the prophet Samuel sets an ebenezer, a stone to help them remember what God did for them.  Ebenezer literally means “stone of help.”

Why do I love this word?  Because the older I get, the more I’m trying to remember.  Not in a “remember the good old days” kind of way.  I want to remember all of the things God has done in my life.  How often does God do something amazing, only for me to forget 48 hours later?  Too often.

It happened recently.  It involved some difficulties I was experiencing in my life.   I was tired and weary.  After following wise advice, I’d stood my ground in a difficult situation.  I hadn’t caused division, but sought unity.

And I felt all the good things slipping away.  I was disturbed by the negativity creeping into my job.  Whispered conversations, division, manipulation on staff.  Instead of cheering one another on, we were looking to critique others.  This felt wrong in a church.  I was ready to walk away.

In an unremarkable early morning moment, a verse was delivered to me.  Psalm 37 simply appeared on the locked screen of my phone, the morning after I’d asked God for guidance.

 

My jaw dropped when I read it.  My heartbeat picked up.  I read it again.  An arrow of conviction pierced my heart.  My insides told me that leaving my job wasn’t an option.  God was asking more of me.

I spent two more days arguing with God about the wisdom of continually placing myself at risk of manipulation.  I’d expected him to rubber stamp approval of my plan to walk away…but he was clear.  I needed to stay.  So on the morning of the 2nd day, after spending time in Psalm 37, I told God that I would be obedient…BUT I was also claiming verse 10 as a promise.  ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.  

I prepared myself for the difficulty of continuing to work with a person who so easily slipped into manipulating others.  Who engaged in negative back room conversations about our leaders. I knew that God was asking me to step into the tension of seeing this person as a child of God while refusing to engage in the behaviors.

I returned to work, sure in God’s hand but unsure of what to do.

The first day brought more anxiety, a racing heart and a shaken resolve to maintain good boundaries.  I didn’t act any differently.  I didn’t move to fight.  I simply asked God to fight this battle and show me my part.

Day two…well that’s the day I want to remember.  Day two was the day the man resigned.

Just like that.

I didn’t have to fight because God was fighting for me the whole time.

The LORD had helped me.

That is worth remembering.  Waiting patiently for the LORD is ALWAYS worth it.  He is ALWAYS faithful.

If I’d tried to maneuver…tried on my own to bring my concerns to light, I would have missed the miracle.

It was not two days later, when that same man once again tried to bully his way through a meeting and my blood was starting to boil…when I realized that I’d already forgotten what God had done.

I didn’t need to point out his scheming.  God would reveal his character.  I needed to trust what he was doing in the invisible.

Which is why I’m sharing this story.  I want to remember the times that God THUNDERS for me, so that when I face my next challenge I will see my ebenezer and remember to engage in trusting God.  He is ALWAYS faithful.

You’re faced with someone who makes you uncomfortable.  Perhaps her opinions stand in opposition of everything you believe.  Maybe he says hurtful things that undercut your value.  Your heart has been damaged by this person.  When you think of what he or she said or did, you can still see the room where it happened.  You can re-live the hurt just by imagining the experience.  You have been hurt and you have every right to feel it.

I want you to take a moment and think about ONE specific person that has made you angry recently.  I’m not talking about someone in your life that you love.  I’m thinking of someone you hold at arms length because they’ve hurt you.  Someone you would never consider letting into your inner circle.   Someone who doesn’t actually deserve to be close to you.

How we handle hard people says a lot about who we are and what we believe.

We can give ourselves permission to place boundaries on them. We can battle them, unfriend them or block them.

Or we can love them, in the same way that Jesus has loved us in all of our awfulness.

I truly suck at that last one.

My husband tells me I have an overdeveloped sense of justice.  That’s just a fancy way of saying I’m judgmental.  I create lines between good (that’s me) and evil (that’s the other person).  If someone wrongs me, I create walls around my heart that are so high that I can’t see outside my window.  Really.  I miss all of the beauty around me because I focus on my own hurt.  I focus on all of the terrible traits of the other person and I imagine all the ways he or she may hurt me again.  When I do this, it’s really easy to solidify those walls and create strong boundary lines.

I was in a situation recently that left me feeling powerless.  Someone in a position of power was using it to do damage to me and those around me.  He was hurtful and manipulative.  It made me angry and I wanted to walk away.  I would have been justified.

But I was reminded that he is also a child of God.

And therein lay the tension. How could I live in the space between healthy boundaries and loving my neighbor?

Maybe you’ve been in that spot.   Or maybe you’re still here.

How can we stay healthy BUT ALSO follow God’s instruction to “Love your enemies.  Bless those who curse you.  Do good to those who hate you and pray for those who persecute you.”  Matthew 5:44

Setting boundaries as a Christian is a hard thing to do.  We’ve been trained to offer forgiveness and grace. When we use those words so freely it’s hard to know where to draw the line.  How do you offer those things without becoming a doormat or feeling manipulated?  When is it okay to forgive but step away?  How can we be loving and grace filled but also maintain self esteem and personal value?

I’m still working out the answers.  I am really terrible at it most of the time.  But God is moving in my soul to do better.  To raise the bar and engage.

He is asking me to live in the tension of loving with boundaries.

Some days that means falling on my face and asking for help.I want to see good and healthy boundaries.  Other days that means engaging in hard conversations when my instinct is to run away.

And  the tricky part is that there is no recipe for when one is more appropriate than the other.

The best thing I can do is keep my eyes on God and what he’s doing in my life.

And that sounds nice and Christian-y.  But what does is really look like?

In my recent example it meant that I called a trusted friend to talk things through.  Not someone I knew would hate the person alongside of me but someone I trust to be honest about my failings and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  After she heard me and helped me unravel what I was feeling, I asked her for recommended next steps.  And what she suggested made me want to run and hide but I also trusted her not to steer me wrong. Once I heard her, I read my Bible.  I prayed and I journaled.  And then I listened for God to speak to my heart.

There have been other times where my next best step was to walk away and NOT engage.  To accept that I had been hurt, to choose to recognize that a person was unhealthy and that there was nothing that I could do to change it.  Once again, I talked it through with friends whom I trust.  I ask for input.  And then I seek God through scripture.  I pray and I journal.  And I listen when my gut tells me what to do.

Listening to God takes practice.  It means leaning in and knowing the difference between telling ourselves what we WANT to hear and hearing the challenge of God.

It also means acting on what you hear.  The more we act and engage with him, the stronger our listening muscles become.  It becomes easier to discern what is God’s voice and what is our own wishful message from God.

You are a child of God.  He simply adores you.  Why not engage with him today?   Spend time with him.  Ask him to speak into what you’re going through right now.