You’re faced with someone who makes you uncomfortable.  Perhaps her opinions stand in opposition of everything you believe.  Maybe he says hurtful things that undercut your value.  Your heart has been damaged by this person.  When you think of what he or she said or did, you can still see the room where it happened.  You can re-live the hurt just by imagining the experience.  You have been hurt and you have every right to feel it.

I want you to take a moment and think about ONE specific person that has made you angry recently.  I’m not talking about someone in your life that you love.  I’m thinking of someone you hold at arms length because they’ve hurt you.  Someone you would never consider letting into your inner circle.   Someone who doesn’t actually deserve to be close to you.

How we handle hard people says a lot about who we are and what we believe.

We can give ourselves permission to place boundaries on them. We can battle them, unfriend them or block them.

Or we can love them, in the same way that Jesus has loved us in all of our awfulness.

I truly suck at that last one.

My husband tells me I have an overdeveloped sense of justice.  That’s just a fancy way of saying I’m judgmental.  I create lines between good (that’s me) and evil (that’s the other person).  If someone wrongs me, I create walls around my heart that are so high that I can’t see outside my window.  Really.  I miss all of the beauty around me because I focus on my own hurt.  I focus on all of the terrible traits of the other person and I imagine all the ways he or she may hurt me again.  When I do this, it’s really easy to solidify those walls and create strong boundary lines.

I was in a situation recently that left me feeling powerless.  Someone in a position of power was using it to do damage to me and those around me.  He was hurtful and manipulative.  It made me angry and I wanted to walk away.  I would have been justified.

But I was reminded that he is also a child of God.

And therein lay the tension. How could I live in the space between healthy boundaries and loving my neighbor?

Maybe you’ve been in that spot.   Or maybe you’re still here.

How can we stay healthy BUT ALSO follow God’s instruction to “Love your enemies.  Bless those who curse you.  Do good to those who hate you and pray for those who persecute you.”  Matthew 5:44

Setting boundaries as a Christian is a hard thing to do.  We’ve been trained to offer forgiveness and grace. When we use those words so freely it’s hard to know where to draw the line.  How do you offer those things without becoming a doormat or feeling manipulated?  When is it okay to forgive but step away?  How can we be loving and grace filled but also maintain self esteem and personal value?

I’m still working out the answers.  I am really terrible at it most of the time.  But God is moving in my soul to do better.  To raise the bar and engage.

He is asking me to live in the tension of loving with boundaries.

Some days that means falling on my face and asking for help.I want to see good and healthy boundaries.  Other days that means engaging in hard conversations when my instinct is to run away.

And  the tricky part is that there is no recipe for when one is more appropriate than the other.

The best thing I can do is keep my eyes on God and what he’s doing in my life.

And that sounds nice and Christian-y.  But what does is really look like?

In my recent example it meant that I called a trusted friend to talk things through.  Not someone I knew would hate the person alongside of me but someone I trust to be honest about my failings and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  After she heard me and helped me unravel what I was feeling, I asked her for recommended next steps.  And what she suggested made me want to run and hide but I also trusted her not to steer me wrong. Once I heard her, I read my Bible.  I prayed and I journaled.  And then I listened for God to speak to my heart.

There have been other times where my next best step was to walk away and NOT engage.  To accept that I had been hurt, to choose to recognize that a person was unhealthy and that there was nothing that I could do to change it.  Once again, I talked it through with friends whom I trust.  I ask for input.  And then I seek God through scripture.  I pray and I journal.  And I listen when my gut tells me what to do.

Listening to God takes practice.  It means leaning in and knowing the difference between telling ourselves what we WANT to hear and hearing the challenge of God.

It also means acting on what you hear.  The more we act and engage with him, the stronger our listening muscles become.  It becomes easier to discern what is God’s voice and what is our own wishful message from God.

You are a child of God.  He simply adores you.  Why not engage with him today?   Spend time with him.  Ask him to speak into what you’re going through right now.