Author: SarahJBoonstra

Repost-Blue Skies: Facing Shame and Finding Freedom

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This blog post was originally featured on the women’s blog of Flatirons Church in Lafayette Colorado.  I was the author of the piece. 
Who in their right mind wants to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 10,000 feet in the air?
That was the question I asked myself as I stood in the open door of a small but fully functional plane, strapped to a very nice gentleman who was willing to take full responsibility for deploying my parachute as I plummeted towards the earth.
As I stood there I had two options; I could either jump or face the shame of disappointing my husband (who was standing right behind me), and the others who were waiting with anticipation for news of our adventure.

Facing shame was not my strength so I jumped.

Taking off our masks and being vulnerable can feel a lot like jumping out of an airplane. You cannot turn back once you take off the mask. You cannot escape back into safety.

Shame and fear of vulnerability shaped my childhood.

I had created a safe place for myself; alone and away from others who might see the shame I carried from childhood abuse. I swore I would go to the grave with my secret for I knew that it could destroy my parents and I could not bear to cause them hurt. I also felt responsible for what had happened to me. I wallowed in shame. I spent nights pleading with God to stop the world so I could step off.  Anything seemed better than sharing what had happened to me. I was safe but lonely.
The first time I told someone my story I felt like I was jumping out of an airplane. As the words “I was molested when I was younger” spilled out, I felt like I was in a free fall. How would my friend react? I looked anywhere but into her eyes. My heart raced and my mouth was dry. The seconds ticked as she looked at me. Then in a rush of relief, my friend was still my friend. She listened to my story and shared a bit of her “me too.”
I was no longer alone. And the vice-grip of shame was loosened.
Jumping out of an airplane terrified me. I had the same feeling of my heart racing and dry mouth. As I tumbled out, the wind raced past my face and my cheeks flapped. It was cold and loud. And then suddenly the kind gentleman pulled the cord and my parachute whooshed into place. I gently floated toward the earth. Everything around me was quiet and peaceful. The view was spectacular.
The same is true of the years since I first truthfully told my story. Each time I have shared my shame I feel a tiny bit freer, a little lighter.  And with other people alongside me the view is spectacular.
Being vulnerable is a lot like jumping out of an airplane. First things first, we need a parachute. That would be Jesus. Jesus is the perfectly packed, never-going-to-fail-us parachute.

         “Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

I realize now that God never once left my side. He was with me in all the years of the abuse and the ugly. He was the God who saw, he wept for me and for my hurt.
Second, if we risk being vulnerable, we may want someone to be our tandem; a friend to jump out of the plane with.
Third, we need to make sure they know what they’re doing. We can only risk vulnerability with someone who has earned the right to hear our story.
My life is far from perfect. In fact, I am a master at avoiding the jump of vulnerability. When I feel hurt I hide. I escape back to the safety behind my mask of nice Christian girl. I don’t want anyone to see the real me for fear of rejection. Yet Jesus is faithful. He continues to invite me into the airplane…asking me to jump.

Ebenezer

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Normally I’m not in favor of using “Christianese.”  You know, the weird language that us Christians use with one another.  We say things like “fellowship together” instead of “hang out.”  We use big words like sanctification or redemption.  We drop Holy Spirit bombs, saying things like “the holy spirit told me…”

That last one actually makes my skin crawl.

To be clear, I one hundred percent believe that the Holy Spirit is alive and active in this world.  I believe we should absolutely pay attention to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our lives.  

But I have BIG RED WARNING SIGNS when someone claims that the Holy Spirit is telling them what I should be doing.  

Like I said, I’m not normally in favor of using the Christian language that so often makes boundary lines clear between who’s in and who is out.  For more on this, see Jen Hatmakers awesome Facebook post on this topic.

BUT, I have an affinity for the word Ebenezer.

Ebenezer is a word used in 1 Samuel 7:12.  For some context: Israel, God’s chosen people, who had previously abandoned God had returned to Him.  The prophet (someone who speaks God’s word to a people) Samuel, had told them to turn back with their whole hearts and get rid of all of their other gods.  And they were doing it.  Yay Israel!

Right in the midst of them turning back, a big army assembles against them. They are terrified.  They come to Samuel and ask him to intercede to God on their behalf.  And God delivers the Israelites by thundering with a loud thunder and causing the other army to panic and run.  And if you just read that sentence and didn’t realize the weight of what God did, please read it again.  The Israelites didn’t make a plan.  They didn’t assemble.  GOD did the work.  BY THUNDERING!

So, in verse 12, the prophet Samuel sets an ebenezer, a stone to help them remember what God did for them.  Ebenezer literally means “stone of help.”

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Why do I love this word?  Because the older I get, the more I’m trying to remember.  Not in a “remember the good old days” kind of way.  I want to remember all of the things God has done in my life.  How often does God do something amazing, only for me to forget 48 hours later?  Too often.

It happened recently.  It involved some difficulties I was experiencing in my life.   I was tired and weary.  After following wise advice, I’d stood my ground in a difficult situation.  I hadn’t caused division, but sought unity.

And I felt all the good things slipping away.  I was disturbed by the negativity creeping into my job.  Whispered conversations, division, manipulation on staff.  Instead of cheering one another on, we were looking to critique others.  This felt wrong in a church.  I was ready to walk away.

In an unremarkable early morning moment, a verse was delivered to me.  Psalm 37 simply appeared on the locked screen of my phone, the morning after I’d asked God for guidance.

5Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

 

My jaw dropped when I read it.  My heartbeat picked up.  I read it again.  An arrow of conviction pierced my heart.  My insides told me that leaving my job wasn’t an option.  God was asking more of me.

I spent two more days arguing with God about the wisdom of continually placing myself at risk of manipulation.  I’d expected him to rubber stamp approval of my plan to walk away…but he was clear.  I needed to stay.  So on the morning of the 2nd day, after spending time in Psalm 37, I told God that I would be obedient…BUT I was also claiming verse 10 as a promise.  10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.  

I prepared myself for the difficulty of continuing to work with a person who so easily slipped into manipulating others.  Who engaged in negative back room conversations about our leaders. I knew that God was asking me to step into the tension of seeing this person as a child of God while refusing to engage in the behaviors.

I returned to work, sure in God’s hand but unsure of what to do.

The first day brought more anxiety, a racing heart and a shaken resolve to maintain good boundaries.  I didn’t act any differently.  I didn’t move to fight.  I simply asked God to fight this battle and show me my part.

Day two…well that’s the day I want to remember.  Day two was the day the man resigned.

Just like that.

I didn’t have to fight because God was fighting for me the whole time.

The LORD had helped me.

That is worth remembering.  Waiting patiently for the LORD is ALWAYS worth it.  He is ALWAYS faithful.

If I’d tried to maneuver…tried on my own to bring my concerns to light, I would have missed the miracle.

It was not two days later, when that same man once again tried to bully his way through a meeting and my blood was starting to boil…when I realized that I’d already forgotten what God had done.

I didn’t need to point out his scheming.  God would reveal his character.  I needed to trust what he was doing in the invisible.

Which is why I’m sharing this story.  I want to remember the times that God THUNDERS for me, so that when I face my next challenge I will see my ebenezer and remember to engage in trusting God.  He is ALWAYS faithful.

Discomfort

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You’re faced with someone who makes you uncomfortable.  Perhaps her opinions stand in opposition of everything you believe.  Maybe he says hurtful things that undercut your value.  Your heart has been damaged by this person.  When you think of what he or she said or did, you can still see the room where it happened.  You can re-live the hurt just by imagining the experience.  You have been hurt and you have every right to feel it.

I want you to take a moment and think about ONE specific person that has made you angry recently.  I’m not talking about someone in your life that you love.  I’m thinking of someone you hold at arms length because they’ve hurt you.  Someone you would never consider letting into your inner circle.   Someone who doesn’t actually deserve to be close to you.

How we handle hard people says a lot about who we are and what we believe.

We can give ourselves permission to place boundaries on them. We can battle them, unfriend them or block them.

Or we can love them, in the same way that Jesus has loved us in all of our awfulness.

I truly suck at that last one.

My husband tells me I have an overdeveloped sense of justice.  That’s just a fancy way of saying I’m judgmental.  I create lines between good (that’s me) and evil (that’s the other person).  If someone wrongs me, I create walls around my heart that are so high that I can’t see outside my window.  Really.  I miss all of the beauty around me because I focus on my own hurt.  I focus on all of the terrible traits of the other person and I imagine all the ways he or she may hurt me again.  When I do this, it’s really easy to solidify those walls and create strong boundary lines.

I was in a situation recently that left me feeling powerless.  Someone in a position of power was using it to do damage to me and those around me.  He was hurtful and manipulative.  It made me angry and I wanted to walk away.  I would have been justified.

But I was reminded that he is also a child of God.

And therein lay the tension. How could I live in the space between healthy boundaries and loving my neighbor?

Maybe you’ve been in that spot.   Or maybe you’re still here.

How can we stay healthy BUT ALSO follow God’s instruction to “Love your enemies.  Bless those who curse you.  Do good to those who hate you and pray for those who persecute you.”  Matthew 5:44

Setting boundaries as a Christian is a hard thing to do.  We’ve been trained to offer forgiveness and grace. When we use those words so freely it’s hard to know where to draw the line.  How do you offer those things without becoming a doormat or feeling manipulated?  When is it okay to forgive but step away?  How can we be loving and grace filled but also maintain self esteem and personal value?

I’m still working out the answers.  I am really terrible at it most of the time.  But God is moving in my soul to do better.  To raise the bar and engage.

He is asking me to live in the tension of loving with boundaries.

Some days that means falling on my face and asking for help.I want to see good and healthy boundaries.  Other days that means engaging in hard conversations when my instinct is to run away.

And  the tricky part is that there is no recipe for when one is more appropriate than the other.

The best thing I can do is keep my eyes on God and what he’s doing in my life.

And that sounds nice and Christian-y.  But what does is really look like?

In my recent example it meant that I called a trusted friend to talk things through.  Not someone I knew would hate the person alongside of me but someone I trust to be honest about my failings and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  After she heard me and helped me unravel what I was feeling, I asked her for recommended next steps.  And what she suggested made me want to run and hide but I also trusted her not to steer me wrong. Once I heard her, I read my Bible.  I prayed and I journaled.  And then I listened for God to speak to my heart.

There have been other times where my next best step was to walk away and NOT engage.  To accept that I had been hurt, to choose to recognize that a person was unhealthy and that there was nothing that I could do to change it.  Once again, I talked it through with friends whom I trust.  I ask for input.  And then I seek God through scripture.  I pray and I journal.  And I listen when my gut tells me what to do.

Listening to God takes practice.  It means leaning in and knowing the difference between telling ourselves what we WANT to hear and hearing the challenge of God.

It also means acting on what you hear.  The more we act and engage with him, the stronger our listening muscles become.  It becomes easier to discern what is God’s voice and what is our own wishful message from God.

You are a child of God.  He simply adores you.  Why not engage with him today?   Spend time with him.  Ask him to speak into what you’re going through right now.

 

 

31 Days Fail

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I have been a 31 days failure.

To start, my failure was because I recognized that I was forcing something that wasn’t there. Since no one was reading it-what did it matter?

But then last week happened.

Last week was full of sorrow and sadness-mixed with glimpses of miracles and thankfulness.  It was the weirdest week.

A dear friend died last week.  Even typing the words causes heartache.  Died.  It seems so final.

She was not old, she was not sick.  She was not in a car accident.   There was no outside drama to what happened to her.  One day she was at my house (that miracle is just too much for me to comprehend) and four days later she was gone.

I am sad for those of us left here without her.  I’m not sad for her because I know she is with Jesus.  But there is an enormous hole left HERE that can never be filled.

A baby is without her grandmother.  Children are without a mother and a husband is without his wife.

And a lot of people are without a dear friend.

During her memorial we had a moment in which I was able to bow my head and pray-and in my mind I threw an absolute hissy fit at God.  I could see myself shaking my fist, stomping my feet and yelling at Him-because there is just no way on earth that I will ever understand the why of this.

I cannot share the questions I asked.  Her story is not mine to share.

I can tell you that I lost a mentor.  I am who I am because of her.  She taught me how awesome science can be for kids.  Her steady strength allowed me to figure out who I was-deep inside.  I watched a wife love her husband and I learned what a good marriage looks like.  I watched a mother love her kids and I learned what a good mother looks like. I watched a woman love her God and I learned what true relationship with God is.

I am forever grateful that I got to have her in my life.  She is permanently imprinted on me.  I see evidence of her influence everywhere I look.

Right now I love Crowder’s song “Come As You Are” because it contains the line “Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal.”

That is my hope.

And I hold on to the promise that God is near.  Because I cannot bare to walk through this sorrow alone.

 Psalm 3418

Day 4

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1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

I have no story to accompany this verse.

Actually I don’t have much to say about the verse aside from the fact that I take a lot of comfort in knowing that God will not give me more temptation than I can handle.

It is a promise that I can hold on to in moments when I am struggling….

Day 3

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1John19

This was the first Bible verse I ever memorized.  I must have been in third grade, because that was my first year in a Christian school.  A speaker came to talk to us about something (that I don’t recall) and at the end of his talk he had us repeat this verse over and over.  I’ve never forgotten the verse.

When I was in third grade I would have thought that sin was some specific act that God had prohibited, and that I would always be aware that I had done something wrong. Seemed pretty cut and dry.

As I’ve gotten older my definition of sin has changed.  Now I think of it as anything, good or bad, that I let come between me and God.  When I make something good into something ultimate (thank you Tim Keller) it becomes an idol.  The 10 commandments have something to say about idols.

I know I’m not supposed to covet, or slander or murder-but I’m also supposed to keep God in his rightful place and not replace him with things like exercise, or writing, or a tv show.  God is God-nothing should replace him in our lives.

However, even though I KNOW what I’m supposed to do, or not do-that isn’t always how I behave.  I get caught up in the moment, or lose my focus.  And it can take a second for the wrong words to come out or to make a bad decision.

But I am comforted that God promises to forgive me-if only I seek him.  He is faithful that way.  If I confess to him (and what a relief that can be) he promises that he will forgive us.

Amazing.

And even better-when we seek him he purifies us from ALL unrighteousness.  That means he’s changing us as we seek him-so that I don’t continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

What an awesome God.

Day 2

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Romans 828

My husband and I were married on a very snowy day in January (in Canada).  So snowy, in fact, that 36 guests were unable to make it to our wedding.  Roads were closed, flights were cancelled-it was a traveling nightmare.

Well we got married anyway and had a great time at our reception.

One thing that I will never forget about that day was the wedding verse we chose.

Romans 8:28.

My husband’s grandfather gave the message, and he talked about how this verse wasn’t  the typical choice for weddings.  He kindly pointed out that most people choose it for funerals.

I wish I could tell you that in our 22 year old wisdom, my future husband and I had intentionally picked that verse to show our understanding that life ahead was going to be rocky.

We weren’t that wise.

And if you had asked the 22 year old me what I thought that verse meant, I probably would have told you that if we love God, things will have a way of working it out in the end.  Everyone gets their happily ever after.

What the last almost 16 years have taught me is that my version of happily ever after and God’s version are two different things.

In my standards-I have known a lot of people who are not currently living the typical happily ever after.  Lives marked by suicide, death of a child, death of a spouse, illness…the list goes on.

So how can I claim this promise knowing that there is so much pain?

What if when Paul wrote “God works for the good” he meant something different than -things will all work out for YOUR happily ever after? What if we’re looking at this the wrong way.

Jesus did say we would have trouble.

If you have children or have been around children near a major holiday-you may have seen the meltdowns that come with waiting for the big meal.  Kids get hungry and they want a snack.  But the beginning of  feast is five minutes away so mom says no.  And that can be the most horrible answer for a child because she is hungry NOW.

Sometimes we are that child.  I get my nose bent out of shape because I want something that I think is good-when God has a feast planned.  I may get to that feast in this life or I may have to wait for heaven-but make no mistake-it is better than anything I cod ask for or imagine.

I have to trust that God has a better plan. And that the trials of this life are preparing me for God’s version of good.

And I need to let go of my expectation of what good looks like in this life and embrace where God has me now so that I may fulfill the purpose that he has for me.

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31 Days Living the Promises of God

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What would your life look like if you lived each day believing God?  Not just believing IN Him, but really believing God’s promises?  Would your life look different?

That’s the question I’ll be asking myself for the next 31 days.  God’s Word is filled with promises that he has made to his people.  I’ll explore one promise each day.

DAY 1-

.Joshua 1:9

My kids came home from church this week with this verse listed on the program.

I’m a little nerdy-so whenever I consider a Bible verse, I like to learn it’s context first.

This particular verse is at the very beginning of Joshua.  Moses (God’s chosen leader to lead the Israelites out of Egypt) has just died.  God is now giving a little bit of a pep talk to Joshua.  He’s giving him the ins and outs of what he expects as Joshua leads the Israelites into the promised land.  He’s reiterating his promises to remain with his people and with Joshua.  He’s reminding Joshua to meditate on God’s word day and night-in order to keep the law.

What I found interesting about the context of this particular verse is that it’s the third time in this chapter that God is telling Joshua to “be strong and courageous” as he leads the Israelites into the promised land.

God’s people are just about to reach the land they’ve been hoping and waiting for for over 40 years.  40 years in the desert no less.  This is the big moment…and God has to keep repeating “be strong and courageous”.

Why in the world would Joshua need to be strong and courageous?  He’s about to hit the good life-right?

I think God’s reminders in Joshua to “be strong and courageous” are a small reminder that we should never sit back and rest on our laurels.  There will always be work that God has called us to do.   Part of the joy of serving this awesome, amazing God is that he invites us to participate in the work he is doing all around us.

And that takes courage.  And it takes strength.

We must constantly keep our eyes on God-because he will invite us to step out of our comfort zone and into dangerous territory.  He will invite us to hang with folks who make us uncomfortable.  He will put people in our lives that irritate us, infuriate us, insult us and demean us.  He will put us in situations that scare us.

Just as the Israelites faced a very tangible enemy-the inhabitants of Canaan-we face challenges every day that take courage and strength.

But God promises that he is with us-wherever we go.  WHERE.EVER.

God’s presence in those scary moments means we can carry on.  We can take one more step.

Be Strong and courageous-The Lord your God will be with you wherever you may go.

Amen.